Life's not fair.

Jon and Abby riding the chair lift for the alpine slide in Park City, Utah

After google did its dirty work, we set up a time to chat with our brother in law, who conveniently happens to be a neurologist. Dustin was quick to say that there were most definitely other possible diagnoses, but that there was a good chance ALS would be confirmed.

As you can imagine, we were in a bit of an emotional spiral. Have you ever had that feeling where you just feel completely hollow? Like there's nothing left inside of you? A feeling of complete despair? That was the feeling I had that night. It was consuming. I hardly slept (and I know Jon did the same).

How could this possibly be happening? We knew a little about the disease. We knew that there were few diseases more difficult to live through. We knew that the disease has an end. Is this even real life?

When I woke up in the morning, everything changed. That night would be the last night in almost a year that I have felt despair. God gave me one night. He knew that's all I would need.

[Side bar. a few years ago my firned Debbie told me that her husband, Big Jim, would always tell his children that they should be grateful that life isn't fair. I immediately started using this with my own kids...one in particular who shall not be named, but may or may not be pictured in this post. Every time they complained that life (or "that's") not fair, I would respond with,"You're right. And aren't you grateful life isn't fair? If life were fair, you wouldn't have a full belly. If life were fair, you wouldn't have a mom and a dad who both loved you and were there for you. If life were fair, you wouldn't have a nice home, clothes on your back and everything you need." And so on... you get the idea. It worked. My kids stopped complaining that life wasn't fair (mostly), and would even tell me how they were grateful for that! Side bar done.]

I woke up that morning and the only thing I could think was,"Life isn't fair, and I'm so grateful."

If life were fair, I wouldn't have been blessed with the most amazing husband, who makes me the best me. We love each other, respect each other, laugh together and dream together. There is no place either of us would rather be, than with each other. Unless there's a BYU football game on. Jon might rather be there.

If life were fair, We wouldn't have five amazing kids who we love and who love us.

If life were fair, we wouldn't be surrounded...completely engulfed...by the most supportive, incredible family members and friends imaginable.

If life were fair, we wouldn't have the gospel of Jesus Christ, and know that this life is just a spec in time. We will be together again.

Life's not fair. I am so grateful.